Breezing Past Eight Months …

August 14, 2015 Susan Kaye2 Comments

When you go to a doctor, they hand you a list of medical maladies to confirm or deny. For me depression is always on the menu. It’s the same for my mother. This past month I made the rounds of physicals and appointments connected with her newly-diagnosed diabetes and had to tick the DEPRESSION box a number of times. It was a gentle reminder that depression is kind of an heirloom in the sitting room of my life.

Decades ago when I started writing, a real knock-down-drag-out broke on a Persuasion discussion board about whether Anne Elliot was depressed and should be medicated. Those who thought she was made a good case for Prozac. Who wouldn’t want a few good mood-altering drugs with Sir Walter as your father and provider?

The other camp was less convincing. They were passionate that Anne wasn’t depressed but they had no arguments as to why they believed this. In fact, it all seemed to hinge on the fact that she still loved Frederick — as if a tall handsome Captain of the Line was the perfect antidepressant — and that … well … heroines don’t get depressed!

If this is the case, that heroines are immune, I am screwed.

All the memes that shout we have to be the heroines of our own life stories are not for me. And, if love is the antidote, I obviously don’t truly love my husband of 37 years, my kids or my grandkids. I AM the heartless twitch many suspect.

The worst part about my depression is it causes my emotions — except anger — to fade and recede. That makes writing tough. It’s nearly impossible to write a compelling love story when all the feelings are just a whisper away from my fingertips and keyboard, and all the actions of love are shadows in the gloaming.

MY latest thought is to write Anne depressed.

How fun would that be?

Still, it’s an idea and those have been thin on the ground for a while now.

What do you think? Anne and Frederick meet when they start going to the same therapist? Or meet in group therapy perhaps? Think of the trust building exercises! They are paired up for a depressives retreat by a famous mental health guru who is in actuality a serial killer.

Okay, we’ve gone from deep, thoughtful romance to a Criminal Minds episode. I’m not depressed, just unable to focus.

Anyway, have a great weekend. And let me know, Anne and Frederick moving slowly carefully towards the light of love or running for their lives with the sound of chainsaws in the background!

day-by-day · Thoughts

The Slumber of Cold Vulgarity

February 25, 2015February 23, 2015 Susan Kaye

“I think Gaius and Titius may have honestly misunderstood the pressing educational need of the moment. They see the world around them swayed by emotional propaganda–they have learned from the tradition that youth is sentimental–and they conclude that the best thing they can do is to fortify the minds of young people against emotion. My own experience as a teacher tells and opposite tale. For every one pupil who needs to be guarded from a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts. The right defence against false sentiments is to inoculate just sentiments. By starving the sensibility of our pupils we only make them easier prey to the propagandist when he comes. For famished nature will be avenged and a hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head.

The Abolition of Man, by C. S. Lewis

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

day-by-day · Thoughts

I Had to Laugh … The Super Bowl

February 2, 2015 Susan Kaye

I haven’t been the same building as the Super Bowl since the great wardrobe malfunction of … (this is taking time as I’m having to Google it … ), 2004. And then I never went in the room where the game was showing, but stayed in the kitchen talking with friends.

When you grow up with a rabid football father, you join the team or you retreat. I chose retreat.

I understand the premise. I even enjoyed going to games in high school. But now that I am an adult and get some choice in how I spend my time, I choose to exert my competitive side watching cooking shows. At the moment, I am watching the cutthroat Greatest British Baking Show.

I think it will come down to upholsterer from Brighton, Kate and Richard, a builder from North London. However, I can’t count out 17-year-old Martha who is a quick learner. And very cute. Who will take home the crown. I haven’t a clue, but I do like watching other people cook. I just hope there are no pass interceptions in the last minutes of the contest.

day-by-day · Hidden Beauty · Thoughts · Uncategorized · WRITING

I Had to Laugh … At Myself

January 30, 2015 Susan Kaye

For the past few months I’ve been doing something that has been not only a huge chore, but it has the source of doubt about my writing ability.

This isn’t a plea for encouragement. I have gotten used to doing without that because frankly, I’m fairly sure that most people who try to encourage others are using the fake-it-til-you-make-it tactic. The chorus mouths all the words they think should be said in order to keep the poor wretch afloat until they actually do “make it.” Teachers in particular employ this method a lot.

So, back to the task I’ve been wrestling. I’ve been editing and posting a very old piece of writing. It’s been a lot like cleaning out the house after someone dies. I’ve done that so I know the comparison is apt. As you dig through this other person’s life, you find things you remember, but you also find things you’d forgotten. In working with my old writing I’ve noticed how much I’ve improved. I’ve also noticed that there are mistakes I still make and am sure I will make until I die. Sigh.

This kind of work also gives you a chance to compare life in general to the past. Writers can’t help adding their real world to their writing and so I can remember the world that was as I edit and how it compares to now. Things have changed. A lot.

People in my life have changed. My children are now adults. I have a granddaughter and a son-in-law. My husband has change a great deal. My mother is different as is my brother. Several people in my family have died. All of that comes back from working with my old writing.

I’m done working with the old writing and can go back to working on my current projects–which are really old as well, but newer than THAT old stuff.

No wonder I’m odd.

What bring the past back for you? Places? People? Food? Travel? What does it take to transport you back to the good old days?

Have a great weekend.

day-by-day · Hidden Beauty

When the Iceberg Flips

January 16, 2015 Susan Kaye

By photographer Alex Cornell, via Colossal

This is the underside of an iceberg. And I have to say, this is one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in a long time.

I can’t help but think this is what getting to know the strong, silent type of hero is like. The exterior is what we expect, but when you see beneath the surface, WOW.

Though, to be honest, most all of us are like this. One of the best insults in a movie I ever heard was one character saying to another, “Her pale, modest exterior is only surpassed by her pale, modest interior.” OUCH!

In my mind, I think if people get to know me, what they find underneath is someone less prone to snark and bark, and is more thoughtful. Or at least comes off that way. But they also get to see the more panicked side of me.

The only person who’s seen me fully is my husband. And he’s still with me. That says more about his fearlessness than about my desirability, I assure you.

Also, if I were a color underneath, I think I’d be red. So, what color are you when your iceberg flips?